Trust your gut and end it

If you would have asked me five years ago, I wouldn’t of known what to tell you about boundaries. I don’t even know what I would've told you about deal breakers. I'd like to think that in my head, I knew the really bad stuff that you would walk away from- the things like cheating, lying, physical and verbal abuse. But other than that, I ignored red flags and even rode along with them and retaliated when I felt like I needed to.

I’d like to think that in the years that followed, I grew up I guess. At the very least, I went to therapy for six months.

Last summer I went on a first date with a guy who I still think is super cute. He was really charming. I will say though that I felt absolutely nothing during that date. Nonetheless and maybe just because I found him to be really physically attractive, I wanted to keep talking to him in the hopes that maybe something could develop along the way.

After about a week of texts being exchanged with several hours if not a day in between each response from him, he told me that he too did not feel those fireworks he wanted to feel with me. We agreed to leave things as they were and stay buds.

I wasn't disappointed or sad. Not in him at least. I do however remember feeling sort of bad for myself. I knew even while on the date that he was not the guy for me and yet, I had this desire to explore. For lack of better words, I really didn't mind wasting my time.

I'm not sure why that is. I always blamed it on being a womanly thing - to want to give someone the benefit of the doubt up until there really isn't a doubt to give. I knew after that first date that our texts were quite scarce and he hadn't expressed a desire to see me again. I knew there was really no shortage in men out there and typically, if a guy took that long to text me back, I was upset or turned off.

It took me a long time to get over what I will call these "orange flags". They're not quite red cause sometimes these men would do things inadvertently without having a single intention of harming me, but, all the same, I should have taken note of the things they did that were not quite my cup of tea. Similarly, sometimes I'd give a chance to a guy that I wasn't quite attracted to but continued on with the belief that maybe one day it will click.

I'll say that I kind of envy that guy from last summer because unlike me, it seems like he knew precisely what he wanted and didn't stray away from those things. While I too think I know the things I need in a partner, I will sometimes test my own boundaries by letting them bend a little and only regret it once I take my rose-coloured glasses off. I should get better about trusting my gut, but what can I say? I am a hopeless romantic who thinks that sometimes you have to let things play out until they literally need to end.

I've always wondered what if I end something prematurely and it actually had the potential of being really great? What if I regret it? Would I even know?

I think that's my own trauma playing a role in this. I guess I'm still not over a romance that I think ended prematurely. I wanted it quite badly to work out and I couldn't understand why he didn't and was so set on the fact that we weren't compatible. I guess I carried that with me in all future romances and always gave it one extra shot even when I knew things were done, or that they needed to end.

I still do that sometimes. Just recently I caught myself giving things "one more date to see if I really do feel like I should end things". I find it silly now that I think of it.

I will say I learned this: while I'm sure it's not a foolproof method, I do think that your gut feeling is usually right. If you feel like something is off, even if you can't quite put your finger on what, that's usually a sign that something is not aligning. Generally speaking, that feeling won't change. Of course there are unicorns in this, but generally, if you feel like something is off, it probably is. Try not to waste your own time by thinking that something could change. Yeah, something could change but if that person is already not proactively working on being the absolute best version of themselves around you, that won't change much as time goes on.

Respect your own time, boundaries, wants and needs. You got this friends.

As always, thanks for coming to my Cez talk xo

Pura vida

I often find myself day-dreaming about all of the life I still have yet to live. I have been fortunate enough to live a very full life to date and that part sits pretty in my brain. That being said, I still have so much more that I want to do and see and experience.

I was doing some research the other day for a trip that I intend to take later on this year to Central America. Specifically, I really want to spend a few days in Costa Rica. I'm not sure if any of you have ever felt this way before or if it's a silly thought to have in general, but, have you ever wanted to avoid a place simply because you know that its beauty will ultimately break your heart?

I feel that way about Costa Rica. I know a handful of people who have been there and I swear they come back changed. That "pura vida" lifestyle is really just so endearing to me. I am afraid though that I will love it so much to the point that my heart will just yearn to return over and over. Not that it's a bad thing, but it's like that long distance relationship where you yearn to see your significant other so bad, that your day-to-day without them feels meaningless. Okay that sounds dramatic but you know what I mean? There are places in the world that are this beautiful and people live life there everyday. How are you supposed to return to the banalities of your day-to-day when you know something like that exists and you have now experienced it?

There are a few places I feel that way about already and every single time I come across a tiktok or a picture of those places, I fully turn my memory back to what my life was like when I was there. Barcelona, Faro, Amsterdam, New York City to name a few. They're those special kind of places where life just stops for the few days you are there and you just feel everything all at once. I still feel that way about Toronto too. Particularly, on those summer days when you lay on a blanket under the sun in Trinity Bellwoods, or those rooftop drinks while you can hear the city below you. The baseball games and street dogs at the end of a night, and the beach days where you feel the city come together to enjoy life under the sun. I too live in one of those special places.

As I sit here looking out at the rainy day, I can't help but feel my heart get excited for the sunny days in the city. The friends, concerts and festivals. I really am grateful for this life I am so lucky to live.

I watched a video not too long ago where a girl was simply sharing her gratitude for the mundane. The toast she got to eat in the morning, the couch in her apartment where she drank her coffee. The fact she even was fortunate enough to have a couch and an apartment and the peace and quiet of living on her own.

I smile because I too have so much to show gratitude towards.

Thank you for reading my words and as always, thanks for coming to my Cez talk xo.

Devoid of amore

I have been sick for the last four or so days. I've spent a lot of time alone, in unwavering solitude and to be quite honest, I haven't thought about much. To also be fair, I was pretty heavily medicated, to the point where I spent this alone time mostly sleeping. I'd say that outside of needing it because I was sick, I also needed to catch up on sleep after spending ten beautiful days on my favourite continent - Europe. Travelling through five countries in the span of ten days is really a challenge and no wonder why my body eventually shut down. It was worth it though.

My nose is still stuffy and I've only been outside today for the purpose of getting some groceries and a car wash. My car was covered in dust after sitting in the garage for nearly two weeks without use. I feel the sun shine on my face through the window as I type and I really wish I felt better so that I could have at the very least gone by the lake and enjoyed it. Anywhere would feel better than the rotting I have been doing in my apartment for the last four days.

I know I usually hit you guys with a travel diary blog post after one of my trips, but I really don't know if I could do justice to the beauty I encountered while away. Simultaneously, I took a rather lengthy break from writing even before that and I feel as though my words just don't suffice right now. I know you have been wondering when I would write again and I do see some of you check in every so often with the slight hope that I may have posted some words. I know that there is a handful of you who enjoy these little blurbs and you come back time and time again to read my work. I appreciate you all for it.

I am not here to write about my travels, maybe one day I will again. I'm sure that I perhaps will sprinkle some of those memories into the entries that I promise I will make more of an effort to start writing again. Instead, I'm here to complain - frankly, one of the few things I enjoy writing about.

I randomly thought about an old friend yesterday. He was in my life actively only briefly, but as the years went on, we still sent each other a message here and there. Upon thinking about him, I opened our last conversation and realized that it had been three years since our last encounter. While thinking that I have no idea where the time had gone, I remembered that he got married in the meantime and I think that to some extent, there is a bit of an invisible boundary that I tend to respect with male friends when they enter serious relationships. I don't message them as freely anymore- even if our friendship had been strictly always platonic. I guess I always tend to think about their partner more so than anything. And so usually, I keep the messages to the bare minimums of "congratulations" and "happy birthday"- mostly for occasions, rather than the "hey, how have you been? let's get a coffee sometime and catch up". You know what I mean?

I ended up messaging him to simply say that a product I purchased reminded me of him and that I hope he is doing well in life. Simple enough but also thoughtful. To my surprise, he invited a conversation about what was new, where I had been, what was going on with my life. After a brief exchange of formalities, he also hit me with the love life question and whether there was a special someone in my life. I've come to dread this question the more it gets asked and usually, I come up with some silly joke that shuts down the follow-up questions. This time though, I figured I might as well be candid - "I guess I have been unlucky in love". A truth nonetheless.

He was great in saying that the love will come to me eventually because I am deserving of it. It felt nice to hear - or read rather. Now, I'm gonna blame the rest of what I am about to write on the fact that I am nearing my time of the month and my emotions are amplified. I really don't think that I ever quite said out loud that I feel like I have been unlucky in love. Like what the fuck does that even mean. Who the fuck even admits that out loud?

But it's the truth. I guess that love just comes easier to other people. Maybe they are easier to love or love in such a way that it's just easy. I don't really know how that feels. Realistically speaking, I've been in two (semi) serious relationships in my entire life and they each had an expiry date of about a year and a half - give or take with that talking period. The rest were flings, fleeting romances, or talking stages that never quite moved on to be more. I'd like to think that I wasn't really the one at fault in most of these but I really don't know if I was the one lacking the element that makes a relationship last.

While I am not really actively seeking a partner or a relationship at the moment, I also have really never had a drier roster. I literally am not talking to a n y o n e. I guess that with age, I started being even more picky than before. There are things I look for before I even accept to go on a first date and that has been the demise of most interactions. While I used to wear my heart on my sleeve before and was the hopeless romantic in any friend group, lately, I feel more so devoid of emotions. But like I said, I am not actively looking to find someone so that likely plays a role in it.

All in the same token, even when I do have a guy in my dms looking for a "chance" they more often than not are looking to sleep with me, rather than anything having to do with a more substantial connection. It gets old and I literally am getting older.

So yes, to some extent I have been feeling unlucky in love as of late. It's been a while since my eyes have sparkled at a gesture of love and even longer since I felt like I wanted someone around for longer than a night. That's no one's fault really, but I just want to complain about it for a brief moment. Let these sentences write themselves and then I'll be done. I will crumple these thoughts into the same dark dungeon they came from and once I put the lock on, we move on.

The reality is that I do believe that I am deserving of love. I've seen it happen once or twice when someone's eyes sparkled at the thought of me. The way I was looked at was as if I was the most precious human being on earth. While I long to look at someone look at me that way again, I am content with where I am at now and I know that in the end, I will live a full life with or without that unwavering devotion from another human being.

As always, thanks for coming to my Cez talk xo.