Devoid of amore

I have been sick for the last four or so days. I've spent a lot of time alone, in unwavering solitude and to be quite honest, I haven't thought about much. To also be fair, I was pretty heavily medicated, to the point where I spent this alone time mostly sleeping. I'd say that outside of needing it because I was sick, I also needed to catch up on sleep after spending ten beautiful days on my favourite continent - Europe. Travelling through five countries in the span of ten days is really a challenge and no wonder why my body eventually shut down. It was worth it though.

My nose is still stuffy and I've only been outside today for the purpose of getting some groceries and a car wash. My car was covered in dust after sitting in the garage for nearly two weeks without use. I feel the sun shine on my face through the window as I type and I really wish I felt better so that I could have at the very least gone by the lake and enjoyed it. Anywhere would feel better than the rotting I have been doing in my apartment for the last four days.

I know I usually hit you guys with a travel diary blog post after one of my trips, but I really don't know if I could do justice to the beauty I encountered while away. Simultaneously, I took a rather lengthy break from writing even before that and I feel as though my words just don't suffice right now. I know you have been wondering when I would write again and I do see some of you check in every so often with the slight hope that I may have posted some words. I know that there is a handful of you who enjoy these little blurbs and you come back time and time again to read my work. I appreciate you all for it.

I am not here to write about my travels, maybe one day I will again. I'm sure that I perhaps will sprinkle some of those memories into the entries that I promise I will make more of an effort to start writing again. Instead, I'm here to complain - frankly, one of the few things I enjoy writing about.

I randomly thought about an old friend yesterday. He was in my life actively only briefly, but as the years went on, we still sent each other a message here and there. Upon thinking about him, I opened our last conversation and realized that it had been three years since our last encounter. While thinking that I have no idea where the time had gone, I remembered that he got married in the meantime and I think that to some extent, there is a bit of an invisible boundary that I tend to respect with male friends when they enter serious relationships. I don't message them as freely anymore- even if our friendship had been strictly always platonic. I guess I always tend to think about their partner more so than anything. And so usually, I keep the messages to the bare minimums of "congratulations" and "happy birthday"- mostly for occasions, rather than the "hey, how have you been? let's get a coffee sometime and catch up". You know what I mean?

I ended up messaging him to simply say that a product I purchased reminded me of him and that I hope he is doing well in life. Simple enough but also thoughtful. To my surprise, he invited a conversation about what was new, where I had been, what was going on with my life. After a brief exchange of formalities, he also hit me with the love life question and whether there was a special someone in my life. I've come to dread this question the more it gets asked and usually, I come up with some silly joke that shuts down the follow-up questions. This time though, I figured I might as well be candid - "I guess I have been unlucky in love". A truth nonetheless.

He was great in saying that the love will come to me eventually because I am deserving of it. It felt nice to hear - or read rather. Now, I'm gonna blame the rest of what I am about to write on the fact that I am nearing my time of the month and my emotions are amplified. I really don't think that I ever quite said out loud that I feel like I have been unlucky in love. Like what the fuck does that even mean. Who the fuck even admits that out loud?

But it's the truth. I guess that love just comes easier to other people. Maybe they are easier to love or love in such a way that it's just easy. I don't really know how that feels. Realistically speaking, I've been in two (semi) serious relationships in my entire life and they each had an expiry date of about a year and a half - give or take with that talking period. The rest were flings, fleeting romances, or talking stages that never quite moved on to be more. I'd like to think that I wasn't really the one at fault in most of these but I really don't know if I was the one lacking the element that makes a relationship last.

While I am not really actively seeking a partner or a relationship at the moment, I also have really never had a drier roster. I literally am not talking to a n y o n e. I guess that with age, I started being even more picky than before. There are things I look for before I even accept to go on a first date and that has been the demise of most interactions. While I used to wear my heart on my sleeve before and was the hopeless romantic in any friend group, lately, I feel more so devoid of emotions. But like I said, I am not actively looking to find someone so that likely plays a role in it.

All in the same token, even when I do have a guy in my dms looking for a "chance" they more often than not are looking to sleep with me, rather than anything having to do with a more substantial connection. It gets old and I literally am getting older.

So yes, to some extent I have been feeling unlucky in love as of late. It's been a while since my eyes have sparkled at a gesture of love and even longer since I felt like I wanted someone around for longer than a night. That's no one's fault really, but I just want to complain about it for a brief moment. Let these sentences write themselves and then I'll be done. I will crumple these thoughts into the same dark dungeon they came from and once I put the lock on, we move on.

The reality is that I do believe that I am deserving of love. I've seen it happen once or twice when someone's eyes sparkled at the thought of me. The way I was looked at was as if I was the most precious human being on earth. While I long to look at someone look at me that way again, I am content with where I am at now and I know that in the end, I will live a full life with or without that unwavering devotion from another human being.

As always, thanks for coming to my Cez talk xo.