Just a bunch of life

For a couple of weeks now I have been trying to figure out how to best articulate what this year has been about. A sort of - "let's wrap up the year and give you some inspirational bs about how you should get out there more and live it up, while also talking about the resolutions for next year". While this post will most definitely sound that way regardless, I hope that I also keep it real with you.

Let's get on the typing.

I started January with a vow to be more social. That was the plan. I wanted to step out of my comfort zone when it came to sticking to the people and places I know and grab on to a different side of living. I went to a cottage in late January and hit my head quite bad but it was fun. I was off to a great start. I dated someone briefly in January, but the leftover feelings I had for the guy from the year prior were still lingering in my head. The same day I ended things with the January guy, I also sent a risky text to the other guy to see if there was a chance we could try again. Neither worked out and that was my sign to really take my focus elsewhere. I'm pretty proud of myself for that risky text though because I was super in tune with my vulnerability and although it didn't work in my favour, I know I needed to close that chapter. Risky texts suck but they most often are exactly what you need to do.

February began with a fat traffic ticket and an abundance of tears. Honestly, now that I think about it, the beginning of this year was rough. I literally had to buy sage the next day and sage my apartment of whatever bad juju was following me around. I updated my block list on Instagram and moved on with life. Valentines day was literally one of the best nights I had this year. My girlies all got together in very festive clothing and we went out on the town. It made me re-gain a sense of myself to some extent and come to terms that the romantic side of relationships doesn't need to be present in order for me to feel love. It was around then that I decided that I just didn't want anyone in my life romantically.

I think that was one of the best choices I made this year. In all reality, I had a lot of healing to do and I could have only done that if I took a step back from trying to fill my life up romantically. I focused on literally anything else. I got my lips done again, booked two trips and started kickboxing.

I loved March. It was a reminder that I am happiest when I actively work on myself and the things I care for. I won a sweet radio contest for some concert tickets, got on the pre-registration for Tomorrowland Brazil, and went to my first ever country concert. I took myself out to the movies, reconnected with old friends who had moved to the city and dyed my hair purple. I was LIVING.

I started April with a trip to Europe by myself. My first solo trip in 6 years. I spent some time in Berlin, Amsterdam and Zaandam. It was probably top 5 favourite memories of my year. It was actually ridiculous how many people I met, how many friends I made, and how incredibly resilient I was to have done this entirely on my own without shedding a single tear. My heart literally warms up every single time I think about the really fricken cool people I came across, who took me under their wing and we were able to share all of those experiences together. I came back home just in time for baseball season and summer was literally right around the corner.

I intended to transform this blog in May and change trajectories a bit in terms of content and how it would be distributed. However, the thought of doing that ended up stressing me out and I ended up not writing for about a month because I just couldn't handle the pressure. May was tough at work and my life was beginning to shift gears from a personal standpoint as well so I just needed to take a step back from it all. I went slightly ghost and focused on work and getting myself set up for the months ahead. I celebrated my dad's birthday at home with the family and we got to see him achieve a goal he's had since he was in his teens - he flew a plane. I had a beach day and looked forward to the summer in the city.

What is June if not the best month of the year? It is my birthday afterall. I put my besties in a car and headed out to Windsor to celebrate my birthday. We had a weekend filled with fun, laughter and so much alcohol. I got to see so many friends and it was kind of cool to have my two worlds come together - my Toronto friends met my Windsor friends. My heart was so stinking happy.

I finally went on a first date in July. He was hot and a gentleman but we weren't a good fit. I went on a Canada day long weekend trip with the girls and met one of my internet friends after keeping in touch for nearly 3 years. My sisters came to visit, I went to a baseball game, had a couple beach days and caught up with a friend I hadn't talked to in years. Summer was underway and every day felt like a new adventure. Typing this in December really makes me miss the days when the sun was still hot by the time I'd get out of work and I could walk down the street from my apartment with a blanket and plop myself in the grass to read a book. I also dyed my hair RED.

I went on another first date in August that was really good. So good that I decided to see him a second time. And then he fucked it up. That experience turned me off about dating again and I decided I was once again not going to pursue the whole romantic side of things. The reality was that I was doing so well healing from the past that I felt good about having someone in my life, but I only wanted someone if they were going to be good potentials for a long-term partner. August guy sucked overall. After ending things with August guy, I accompanied a really old friend as his date to the wedding of his best friend. That night felt so great because it reminded me of all the reasons love is worth it. With an optimistic view on love, I continued my summer with my girls. I went to Goatchella, got into running in my neighbourhood and hot girl morning walks, and spent a lot of time in the sun.

September was a whirlwind of emotions. I went to Vegas labour day weekend and someone from my past reached out to tell me I was the one who got away. I had sworn him off three years ago and I couldn't bear the thought of going back to someone that had previously done me wrong. Since his text came while I was drunk in my hotel room, I figured I could blame it on the alcohol if we didn't keep in touch much afterwards. I focused on the memories I was making with my friends, the artists I got to see live, the birthday party we had for my mom. He didn't give up though, and come the end of September, we were talking every day.

I started October with him and I just quite frankly got deep in my feelings about it. He was someone I spent a lot of time with in the past and all those emotions came rushing back. He did me wrong three years ago but there was room to grow from there and he was showing me that growth. We were having adult conversations and he was expressing a lot of remorse for how younger him handled the situation between us. As things were starting to become interesting, I hopped on a plane and went to Brazil which was such an iconic trip. From the blatant insanity of just being in Rio, to conquering one of my life goals of going to Tomorrowland, I did it all. I don't think there is a way to truly put into words how absolutely unreal that trip was. It was so good that I completely forgot the part where I was legitimately fighting for my life with a burning fever on the flight home and had to nurse myself back to health for a full week after.

By November, me and him were having conversations about our plans for the future. What we wanted in terms of family dynamics, career paths, kids, appropriate ages to settle down and be a family-oriented person. He asked me if I would consider moving. I felt insanely secure in everything that was going on. And then, a mere 12 hours before I was about to hop on a flight and head out on my last trip of the year, we got into something that I can't even call an argument because it was so dumb and insignificant. Yet, for some reason, he took a silent treatment approach to it and before I knew it, I got ghosted. At first I thought this was a literal joke, there was no way that he would do that. By the time I got back from my trip though, it was crystal clear that he did indeed ghost me. I was hurt but it was also perfectly intelligible that I have absolutely no room in my life for someone who would do that and who doesn't have the capacity to communicate through issues. On the bright side, I did not let this ruin my trip. Afterall, I was on a party resort in the Dominican. And so I drowned my sorrows in alcohol and went on with life. Met some really cool people, made friends, ate good food, but also got some serious tummy aches. I came back home feeling grateful for my friends, family and for the fact that I felt like for once in my life, I chose to respect my boundaries. That was growth af.

And so, here we are and it's December. I am content, I am full of ideas for the future and I am excited for the year ahead. I have two trips already booked, and plan on getting a whole lot closer to 30 countries by the end of the year. For once, I am ready to just focus on staying healthy, active and happy. I don't really care for finding "the love of my life" anymore and I am not stressing that. I simply want to be happy in whatever capacity that is. I am open to connections and to love, but I will let that be as it may and come to me whenever the timing is right. I am simply so done with letting myself down, my boundaries to shit and accepting anything less than what I really deserve. I am excited to be going home next weekend and to spend the holidays with my family and friends. I am excited to have the last few days of the year with my loved ones. I am just so excited.

I hear that 2024 is a Gemini year and boy, let me tell you that I am amped to step into my ultimate powerful girl era. I am ready to live it up and welcome with open arms, all who want to be part of this awesome journey ahead.

So this will likely be the last time you hear from me until the new year. I am quite frankly burnt out, unmotivated and feeling quite lazy. But, until we reunite in the new year, I just want to share a few more words -

Be brave, be confident and please never stray away from who you are. Be authentic in everything you do and all that you are. Love hard but make sure to love yourself first. Say yes to adventures and opportunities and everything in between. There is only one of you and that person needs to be celebrated. Make sure you live in the moment and you take a break from always thinking about what is to come next. Sometimes, where you are is exactly where you need to be and that in and of itself, should be celebrated.

Last but not least, make sure you have goals. Whether they are short-term ones or ones that are super long-term, make sure you never become complacent. You are meant to evolve, to be better than the year before. Don't go through life simply existing, but rather, make life matter.

And as always, thanks a lot for coming to my Cez talk this year xo